#random mumblings

[feralheartedalien]

Okay so I've seen other people making kinda Steddie aus out of other Joe and Joseph characters and I thought I would throw my hat into the ring

Eric

And Keys!

Like one just moved across from the other or they are roommates

[sharona-sims]

The struggle!

Sometimes I think about building a rec center for Henford, and then I remember that I can't build, and also I'm lazy, and so it never happens. Maybe some day though, because I think it would be such a good addition to the world. 😳😅

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[doludn]

trying out the 75 cent hetalia pens from seria.

[samtalksmusic]

never stop never what?

[clairethecutepup]

There's nothing more satisfying as a writer, than to sit on your porch and within the rainy chill of the air: the crisp freshness through each nostrils' inhale, the sight and sound of downpour, with a phone to play your favorite videos...

I love when the world around you gives you the perfect excuse to get a whole bunch of writing done, all day too.

[prismatic-gay]

Vent post

yknow i'm starting to realize that I'm getting *really* bitter about the fact that i've been constantly expected to be everyone's support system but the fucking minute i actually needed people the people who i was closest to just fuckin dropped the ball. and like im angry. im just really angry?

im fucking exhausted and feel like im trying to juggle like 15 fucking things by myself and i finally *finally* reach out when i need it because i don't want to bother anyone and then i get *ignored* completely. and my therapist is fed up with these people to??? i was talking about how i understand that people are going through it and she interrupted me to just say that everyone is going through it all the time apparently because she hears about how worried i am about them constantly and that its telling that the few times i've needed people i am straight up ignored by the same people who I've supported.

anyways, spent the last couple of weeks crying by myself because literally no one responded to anything and i felt like my whole life was upside down and when they did fi it was about them so i had to pretend i was fine and help them because that's all I'm good for now i guess.

[rosescoloredred]

Tumblr as a website is so helpful for DID profiles on pk holy shit.

[redeyesfangsandmagic]

Playing another run through and finally let my character sleep with Mizora just to see what would happen. My character is with Shadowheart and she was okay with it just to not forget her. It was very interesting indeed.

[mourningstar113]

When you're writing and your main protagonist has been through some shit - like epic shit, lost the love of their life, done prison time, had a complete breakdown, alienated friends, and family- and then you decide, ok. Enough. They've had enough.

And slowly, slowly, you rebuild their life. The get out of prison, they find somewhere to live, get a job, finds a doctor that *gets* them and sorts the right medication and physio, so they can at least live a slightly more comfortable life. Starts therapy. Gets a carer, who becomes their advocate, and then their best friend, who puts up with their bullshit and acerbic personality. Who helps them reach out to family they've alienated and start making reconnection. They eat a little better, and whilst they'll never sleep properly again, they get up. They get up and don't want it all over with.

They still drink, and are a horrible, ugly, aggressive drunk. But folks forgive them their only occasional lapse. And then finally, they meet someone, who annoys the hell out of them,but doesn't cower from their bullshit, doesn't buy into their self destruction. They'll never be the one who was lost, no one will. But that's OK. Maybe, they want something new.

And then, they wake up one day, and look forward to the day. And look forward, full stop.

And then you realise you're not writing about a fictional character anymore. And there's that moment.

Oh. 🥹 Oh yes.

[feralheartedalien]

Vampire Eddie this, Hunter Steve that. I want it reversed! Gimme Vampire Steve who wants nothing more to be human again because he hates seeing the people he cares about grow old and die. Gimme Hunter Eddie who hates being a hunter because he knows not all supernatural beings are bad since many are his friends.

Also added angst that Eddie looks exactly like Steve's lover who died when Steve was turned.

[miguxadraws]

famous last words

au belongs to @spitinsideme

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

now THIS. is percy jackson-core.

[doludn]

Reminding to myself

that today is honda kiku’s birthday, (yes, happy birthday to him!!!)

and they’ll have hetalia world stars ep1~12 9pm (in JP time) at “nico nico live broadcast”, broadcasting at all once.

I’m pretty excited to watch them, since I never watched all the episodes. 

WHAT A SPEACIAL DAY WOOT

[bitronic]

his phone doesnt have a screen

[mayo-productions]

hi tumblr, tonight's ted talk is about Otto Octavius (specifically pre accident) and how we need more content of just him individually, specially in the shows and movies. Like especially these guys bc the few minutes we have of them aren't enough, I need a feature length film for each immediately

(HEAVY on Molina Otto Octavius) ((he genuinely seems like such a sweet heart and I wanna see how he and Rosalie meet/fell in love ): ))

(couldn't find a gif for him </3)